Vous le savez maintenant, j'aime beaucoup les romans de Carrie Ann Ryan que j'ai eu la chance de rencontrer lors de la RARE :) elle est très sympa et comme souvent, je lis ses romans en VO (en ARC) : le prochain est le tome 1 d'une nouvelle série "Fractured Connections" "Breaking with out you" qui sortira le 16 avril. Grâce à Inkslinger Pr, je peux vous proposer le chapitre 1 de ce roman. Merci à eux (je vous proposerai la chronique dans les prochains jours)
Présentation de l'éditeur :
From NYT bestselling author Carrie Ann Ryan, comes a brand new series where second chances don’t come often, and overcoming an unexpected loss means breaking everything you knew.
I fell for Cameron Connolly at the wrong time. And when he left, I thought my life was over. But then, after the worst happened, I truly understood what that phrase meant. Now, he’s not ready for a second chance, and I’m not offering one. Though given that our families have been forced together after losing one of our own, I know there’s no turning back. Not this time. Not again. Not when it comes to Cameron.
~~
I never wanted to hurt Violet Knight, but there were reasons I had to leave all those years ago—not that she'd believe me if I told her what they were. I not only left her, I also left my foster brothers. Honestly, I didn’t want to come back to Denver to help run my father’s failing brewery. But when it comes to my brothers, I know I’ll find a way to make it work. Perhaps I’ll even earn Violet’s forgiveness and face the connection we both thought long forgotten in the process. Because I wanted her then, but now I know I need her. I just hope she needs me.
Chapitre 1 :
Chapter 1
Sometimes people just don’t get it.
- Allison in a text to Violet
Violet
It didn’t seem right
that the sun was shining, and that birds were chirping in the air. It didn’t
seem appropriate that the sky was free of clouds, or that the world seemed to scream
of beauty and peace.
I didn’t find it
fitting at all.
Because I was
outside this afternoon instead of working or being with my family. I was watching
strangers lower my best friend into the ground.
My best friend
wasn’t supposed to be dead. We weren’t even thirty yet. No, I wasn’t even thirty yet. She would
never reach it.
I watched as
they lowered the casket inch by inch—ashes to ashes, dust to dust, as the
saying goes. I watched it all and didn’t shed a tear. I’d done my crying. I had
lost so many tears, so much of myself with each crying jag and hiccupping sob.
I couldn’t cry
just then.
I was surrounded
by my family, my friends, Allison’s family, and everyone who had known my best
friend throughout her life.
She had been
such a joy, such a bright spot in this sometimes-dark world. She’d made me
laugh, made me smile. And she had done so for countless others, as well. She was
the happiness we all craved.
But all of it
was a lie.
I knew that now.
I’d discovered that the Allison I thought I knew hadn’t been the Allison she’d
hidden deep inside.
That shamed me.
It made me want to leave, made me want to throw myself to the ground and curl
up into a ball. It made me want to switch between pitching a fit and just weeping
and praying that something could be changed.
It made me
angry, it made me sad, but mostly…mostly,
I just felt ashamed.
Because Allison
was lying in that casket, wearing a blue dress that made her pretty blue eyes
stand out.
No, that wasn’t
right either. Because Allison’s pretty blue eyes were closed, and they wouldn’t
be looking at anything anymore. No more searching for the next best thing, no
more looking for anything.
Allison’s
parents had decided not to do organ donation, even though I knew that Allison
had wanted to do it. She hadn’t put it on her driver’s license, though, and since
we were not old enough in our minds to finish our wills, there hadn’t been
instructions for burying my best friend.
I was going to
make a will as soon as I could. Because I did not want my friends mourning for
me while wondering what I had wanted, and then watching it slip through their
fingers when they realized that my parents were the ones in control.
Allison hadn’t been
married, hadn’t had a power of attorney.
When she died,
her parents had been the ones to make all the decisions, and that should have
been fine. But I knew Allison—at least I thought I had. And so had my sister,
Sienna, and our other best friend, Harmony.
The three of us
thought we knew what Allison would have wanted.
We figured she
would have wanted to be cremated, her ashes scattered to the wind in the different
places that we had known and loved together. That was something I wanted, as
well. I vividly remembered my conversation with Allison about it one night when
we all got a little too drunk and started talking about death. It was something
that a lot of people talked about, at least that’s what I thought. It was part
of everyone’s future—the end, the idea that you wouldn’t be around to make your
own plans unless you wrote them down ahead of time.
But I didn’t
think that any of us had written them down. Well…maybe Harmony. Harmony had
been through her own heartbreak. She probably had a full list of what she
wanted when her end came.
But now, I was
going to make sure that I had my list. Because Allison had not been cremated.
Her organs had not been donated. She was
going into a hole in the earth, and her parents had every right to make that
decision.
I wasn’t going
to hold onto any bitterness when it came to that. I had enough for everything
else that had happened. I didn’t want to hold onto that and only remember
watching my best friend being lowered into the ground and the darkness that
came with that.
Hell, I didn’t
want to remember any of this at all.
But it wasn’t
like I had a choice. This day would be in my memory until the day I died. Until somebody tossed my ashes
to the wind.
I closed my eyes
and held back a groan. No, Violet, it
will be before that, won’t it? Before ashes and dust. I honestly wasn’t
really thinking clearly.
I almost jumped when
Sienna reached out and squeezed my hand. My little sister—not quite so little
since we were both nearly thirty—leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder.
We were almost
the same height, but I was wearing taller heels, and that meant she could
easily place her head on my shoulder. I wanted to turn around and just pull her
into my arms, tell her that everything would be okay. And knowing Sienna, she
wished she could do the same for me.
I tore my gaze
away from the hole in the ground where Allison lay and would forever stay until
she was no more, dust to dust and all of that. When I turned, my gaze met
Harmony’s where she stood stoically on the other side of Sienna.
Harmony had her
dark red hair pulled back into a bun, and I didn’t really understand why she
had done that. She usually wore it down. All of us generally had our hair in long
waves or straightened. The four of us had decided to see who could grow their
hair the longest and the fastest. Harmony had won, but for some reason, her
hair was back today.
Then I
remembered.
It was how she
had worn her hair at her husband’s funeral.
She hadn’t
wanted to look the same as she had every day when she had known and loved her
husband. She’d wanted to appear different than when he had seen her, the times
when he had played with her hair with his fingers.
So, she had worn
it back.
It seemed we
each had a special way to wear our hair, our makeup, and ourselves for
funerals.
I wasn’t even thirty
yet, but I had been to enough funerals for a lifetime.
I didn’t want to
go to any more.
I didn’t want to
be here at Allison’s. She shouldn’t be dead. She had been alive and healthy and
whole just a few days ago. But now I knew that maybe she hadn’t been. Perhaps
she hadn’t been healthy or whole at all.
Maybe that’s why
she’d ended her life at the age of twenty-seven. Just a year younger than me.
The four of us
had been friends since high school, Sienna and I being close for far longer
since we were sisters. We were all in the same two grades and became fast
friends. We had even gone to the same college, and all stayed in Denver to
retain our friendship.
I knew that not
everybody had that ability. With the way everybody kept moving for their
careers and the way the world seemed to become a smaller place, most people
didn’t have their childhood friends in their lives. But I was lucky. I had been
able to keep my three best friends by my side throughout my pain—and theirs. We
had grown together, lived together.
But now, there
was only three.
We had lost our
fourth.
And I didn’t
know what the next step was.
Whispers brought
me out of my thoughts, and I tried not to feel selfish. I was so busy worrying
about myself and how I was going to feel that I couldn’t really think about the
world without Allison in it.
Every single
person around me had been connected to her.
My brother, Mace,
was here, standing right behind me with his fiancée, Adrienne, at his side. He
hadn’t brought their little girl Daisy with them, as they hadn’t known how she would
react at a funeral, being so young. I understood that, though Daisy had known
Allison.
I had been in
the room when Mace explained to his daughter that Allison wouldn’t be able to
come back for another tea party. That she wasn’t going to attend another
Thanksgiving like she had the past couple of years.
I didn’t cry as
I remembered these things, although my eyes did burn.
Why couldn’t I
cry? I should be crying.
Sienna was
crying. Harmony was crying. Adrienne was crying.
My mom was
sniffling on Mace’s other side, my dad putting his arm around her shoulders as
he held her close. I had witnessed that as I turned to look before, but I knew
he would still be there, comforting her.
My parents were
sweet, amazing, and they had loved Allison like their own daughter.
And now, Allison
wouldn’t be coming home.
She wouldn’t be
doing anything.
Allison’s
parents stood on the other side of the casket, crying into their handkerchiefs.
They were poised, prim, and a little separate from the rest of the world. They
had been that way long before they heard that their daughter wasn’t going to
wake up again. I remembered going over
to spend the night at Allison’s house when we were in high school. Her parents were
nice but very reserved. Though that didn’t mean they were bad parents. They
were wonderful, and Allison had loved them. I just didn’t think they had known
their daughter as well as maybe my parents knew me.
But, then again,
I hadn’t known Allison the way I probably should have either.
Maybe I would
have seen it if I had. Maybe I would have been able to stop it. Or, maybe, I
was being selfish again and just needed to stop and breathe.
Others began
talking, and I knew we would soon be moving from the cemetery to the wake at
Allison’s parent’s home. They had a large house that could hold everybody so we
could eat, drink, and maybe laugh at some memories.
I didn’t know if
I could do any of that, though.
I had only been
to one funeral before—Harmony’s husband, Moyer.
I didn’t even
know if I remembered that as clearly as I should. And I never asked Harmony if
she did. I always felt like I shouldn’t. There were some things you just didn’t
talk about until the time was right. I just didn’t know when that time would
be.
My gaze traveled
over the rest of the mourners, and then I sucked in a breath.
I should have
known they would be here.
Of course, they
would be here.
The Connolly
brothers had known Allison almost as well as the Knight siblings and Harmony
did. Even if they hadn’t been in our lives for a few years, the Connolly
brothers had been part of our crew when we were in college and were very much
part of Allison’s life back in high school.
I let out a
shaky breath, willing the guys not to look up and meet my eyes. I knew I
shouldn’t study them, shouldn’t look at them. But I hadn’t seen them in so
long, even though I knew they had moved back to Denver.
Everybody in our
circle had known.
There was Brendon,
the eldest, and the one in a neatly cut suit. I knew he grieved. He had been
friends with Allison just like his brothers. But I didn’t really know him all
that well. I didn’t know how he felt, but I was glad he was here just the same.
Because that
meant Allison wasn’t alone.
None of us were.
Next to Brendon
stood Aiden, his hair a little messy, grief clear on his face.
I finally felt a
tear fall and quickly wiped it away as Sienna squeezed my hand, letting out a
sob of her own.
Aiden and
Allison had been the couple in high
school and into college. They had eventually broken up, not because they hated
each other, but because they hadn’t been right for each other. That was what
Allison had always told me anyway, and I believed it. Aiden had moved on, maybe
not to other women, but to other parts of his life. I knew he had gone to
culinary school and was a chef somewhere now, but I hadn’t really heard much about
him since he and Allison broke up.
But now he was
here, watching the first love of his life fade away into the darkness.
Another boy was
standing on his other side, an older teenager. He had the look of the
Connollys, but I had never seen him before.
After the
Connollys’ father had passed away, I hadn’t known there were more foster
brothers added to the family. The other three had been adopted in high school,
though Aiden and his twin, Cameron, were biological brothers, as well. Maybe the
boy I didn’t recognize wasn’t a brother at all. Perhaps he was just a friend.
And maybe it was none of my business since I had no idea what they were all up
to these days.
My gaze traveled
to the right of the young man, and my jaw tightened.
The final
brother.
Cameron. That Cameron.
The one that had
broken my heart and walked away as if he hadn’t known that he held it at all. He
still looked as sexy as ever with his dark hair brushed back from his face and
his beard just past scruff. Today, he wore a suit just like his brothers, but I
had never known Cameron to live in one like Brendon did. Even Aiden wore suits
more than Cameron.
Cameron was
rough. Edgy. Dangerous.
He was a man
that I hated, the first man I had ever loved, the first for a lot of things. And
he was here. In my presence. I wasn’t
going to be selfish and make this all about me, but I hated that he was here. I
didn’t like that I had to see him today of all days.
But I would push
that thought out of my head because today was not about me. It was all about
Allison. Today was about my best friend.
I pulled my gaze
away from the Connollys and focused on what came next. We made our way to the
cars and then to Allison’s parents’ house. All the while, a drum beat behind my
eyes started, telling me that a migraine was coming on. I quickly popped a pill
and then chugged the water that Sienna handed over to me without asking. I knew
that I would be incapacitated later, but maybe it was something I deserved.
I hadn’t had a
migraine in over two weeks, but this one was coming for me soon. That much I
knew. Though with everything that had happened, I was surprised that it hadn’t
come on sooner.
It was going to
hurt, but maybe I needed that pain.
We walked
through the halls of the home that Allison had grown up in, the house we had
all slept in a time or two. We had gotten ready for our junior prom here,
although my sister had been in the grade below us and was only allowed to attend
because she was going with a junior boy. Somehow, we had made it work so we
could go to almost every dance together, even when we left Sienna behind in
high school.
Today I walked
through these halls again, looking at the photos of a young Allison on the
walls.
My fingers
traced the edge of one of the frames, and I let out a deep breath.
Everything was
going to be okay. Because it had to be. Life would move on. It always did.
I just didn’t
want it to move on without my best friend.
I walked to
where the food was, where everybody was gathered and talking. It wasn’t that
the whispers had gotten any louder, but maybe it was just that I was finally
listening.
“I heard she took pills,” a
voice said from far off in the distance.
“Yes, then drowned herself in the bathtub,” another voice said, equally as vicious but still almost sickly
sweet.
“You know, I heard the police found no note. They don’t
know how she did it. We don’t know exactly how she did it. And nobody knows
why. Maybe her friends do.”
I ignored that
last voice, or at least I tried to.
Then there was
another.
“You know, it does seem out of the blue. But maybe if
we keep looking, we’ll see what happened. I mean, no one just does this.”
I swallowed hard
and then took a few steps away. My hands were shaking, and I tried not to listen
to any more of the murmurs.
Of course, there
would be speculation. Of course, there would be whispers. Allison was bright
and cheery and far more energetic than any of them or us.
Gossip had run
rampant when Harmony’s young husband died, but we had pulled through. We stood
together as a team, the four of us, and made sure that Harmony knew that she
was never alone.
And I was going
to do the same thing now. So, I took a few steps towards Sienna and Harmony. The
three of us grabbed hands, standing in a circle that was one shy of what it
used to be. It was odd. I could actually feel the distance between us growing
because there wasn’t that fourth person in the circle, clasping hands as we
always had.
The actual
physical representation of what we were now hit me a little too hard, and I
blinked quickly. I had only shed that single tear, and I knew I couldn’t do any
more.
Not with all the
eyes watching me. Not with all the whispers.
Mace and Adrienne
had gone home, not being able to stay for the wake because they still had to
drive over an hour back to Daisy. My parents had gone as well, my father
battling a cold. He would be fine, but I knew that the day had taken a lot out
of him.
All of them
would have stayed for me and Sienna and Harmony if we needed it.
But we had each
other.
We had each other.
“They’re all talking
about it,” Sienna murmured.
“Just ignore it.
It’s always best just to ignore it.” Harmony’s voice was a little shaky, but
she held her chin high.
“I hate it. I
just want it to go away. I just want to go sit up in Allison’s old room and
play a stupid board game like we used to.” I closed my eyes, the headache
starting to push its way into my brain. I knew it would likely transform into
something more soon, the lights getting a little too bright, the tastes in my
mouth going bitter.
“We need to get
you home soon,” Sienna said. “I can tell a migraine is coming on.”
“Yes, it’s going
to suck. Let’s just stay for Allison’s parents for a little longer, see if
there’s anything we can do for them. Then, I’ll go home and lick my wounds.”
“I love you
guys,” Harmony said, bringing both Sienna and me in for a hug. So I leaned on
my friend and held my sister close. This wasn’t right. It wasn’t supposed to be
just the three of us. I mean, I knew that it would be eventually, but when we
were older—far older when we were watching over our grandchildren, maybe even
our great-grandchildren if things worked out.
We weren’t
supposed to be doing this at such a young age.
It wasn’t fair.
But, as they
say, life isn’t fair.
Death shouldn’t
be either.
Allison’s mom
called out for Harmony, and she squeezed my hand before walking off to join the
other woman. One of the caterers needed help with something, and Sienna charged
in to assist, not even bothering to see if anyone else would offer to help. That
was my sister. Always there.
That was my
friends, we were always there for each other. Even if not all of us were here
anymore.
The headache was
coming on strong, and my hands had started to shake. I knew I needed to leave
soon. The others would understand if I left, even if I had been the one to say
that I needed to stay. Because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to drive home
soon if I didn’t go now. So, I went over to the coats, slid mine on, and
ignored more of the whispers as people tried to catch my eye. They wanted to
talk to the girl who had found Allison.
I knew that much.
But I had talked to the police, I had discussed things with Allison’s parents.
I had shared with my friends. I had talked to everybody about what I had seen,
detailing it so much that I knew I could probably say the words by rote without
even showing a single emotion.
Maybe that was
for the best.
Because I didn’t
want to feel anything.
Didn’t know if I
really could.
So, as I turned
away from the whispers and the knowing looks, I told myself that I needed to go
home. Of course, just as I thought that, I slammed into a large chest.
A hard, familiar chest.
Of course.
“Violet,”
Cameron whispered, his voice rough, that low, deep growl that I remembered
vividly.
“I—” I couldn’t
finish the sentence.
Because as soon
as he wrapped his arms around me, the dam broke. Tears slid from my eyes, and I
let out a low groan that I knew others might hear. Cameron surely did.
In response, he
let out a low curse that vibrated through my body and held me close. And I
broke.
The others might
not be able to see me, but Cameron could. And, of all the people I could have
broken in front of, of all the individuals that could have held me when I shattered
into a thousand pieces, it just had to be him.
He was the one who
was there for me when I fractured.
Of course, he
was.
A propos du livre et de l'auteure :
BREAKING
WITHOUT YOU releases April 16th, 2019! Preorder your copy now:
About Carrie
Ann Ryan
Carrie Ann Ryan is the New York Times
and USA Today bestselling author of contemporary and paranormal romance. Her
works include the Montgomery Ink, Redwood Pack, Talon Pack, and Gallagher
Brothers series, which have sold over 2.0 million books worldwide. She started
writing while in graduate school for her advanced degree in chemistry and hasn’t
stopped since. Carrie Ann has written over fifty novels and novellas with more
in the works. When she’s not writing about bearded tattooed men or alpha wolves
that need to find their mates, she’s reading as much as she can and exploring
the world of baking and gourmet cooking.
